As part of ADHD Awareness Month, our Specialist Family Support Worker, Sarah Clark, opens up about her own experience living with ADHD and her path to diagnosis and self-acceptance.
From Struggles to Strengths: Embracing ADHD and Neurodiversity
By Sarah Clark, Specialist Family Support Worker
Degree in Autism Studies,
45 and menopausal,
ADHD’er and mother of 3,
Procrastinator & Self-Saboteur extraordinaire.
When I started writing this article, I thought it would be easy, but it wasn’t. While it has been cathartic, it has also brought back some deep-rooted issues that I now need to process. However, I am fully ready for that. If I can help even one person realise their full potential or raise awareness that invisible disabilities, such as ADHD, should not be stereotyped, then it has been well worth it.
Looking back on my childhood, all the signs were there, just not in the stereotypical way society views them today.
At school, I was always an introvert, shying away from class participation, faking illness to avoid presentations, and any form of negative feedback would send me spiralling into emotional outbursts and tears. As lacking as knowledge was in the ’80s and ’90s, I am forever thankful that social media did not exist. For anyone going through a difficult time with self-identity, my main piece of advice would be to use social media only to educate yourself – not as a tool to compare yourself to others or fear missing out.
I was never officially diagnosed with dyslexia or dyscalculia. However, while my sister excelled academically and attended a grammar school, I required a tutor throughout my school journey for support with Maths and English, which caused my already low self-esteem to plummet further.
Friendships came and went, never forming strong bonds. When I reached my teenage years, while other girls had crushes on pop stars and peers, I had no interest. Instead, I was consumed by ruminating thoughts about death, which affected my waking and sleeping hours. My only coping mechanism was to spend 90% of my time in my bedroom or in any body of water, reading fantasy novels and hyperfixating on characters to escape reality. Ironically, my mum died when I was 15, and at that time, I felt to blame due to my constant worries about death.
Romantic relationships didn’t cross my mind until I was 18. Soon after, I realised why I had avoided them for so long – Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD).
I know everyone feels rejected at times, but RSD is more than just rejection. It feels like real physical pain, a heartbreaking pain that repeats on a loop if you let it. It could be a simple text message left unanswered, a project at work given to someone else, a look, or even a lack of daily compliments from a partner. RSD has definitely played a part in my two failed marriages, and I have to work daily to rationalise and manage these feelings.
This leads me to food – or the lack of it. Being someone with ADHD, the need for dopamine is very real. When I hyperfocus for hours without food or drink, I binge eat to satisfy that need. This started around age 12. At school, I would only allow myself Slim-Fast shakes for fear of being labelled “fat.” But at night, I would sneak into the kitchen and binge eat anything that would give me an instant dopamine hit. This created a cycle of restrictive eating and binge eating, which I’m still learning to manage. Control plays a role too – when life feels overwhelming and my self-esteem is low, food becomes the one thing I can control.
At age 36, after my first divorce, I approached my GP for an ADHD referral. The first response was, “But you seem so grounded and calm.” Let me clarify: ADHD isn’t just about physical hyperactivity. It can also be emotional hyperactivity, including insomnia and ruminating thoughts. Thankfully, my referral didn’t take too long, and at age 37, I was diagnosed.
At first, I felt relief, followed by anger, as if I was grieving for my past. A diagnosis is only the cover of the book – it doesn’t change who you are – but it does allow you to nurture the parts of yourself that have been more challenging.
While life with ADHD is hard work, there are fantastic positives. Since my diagnosis, I’ve completed a PgCert and PgDip in Autism Studies, published a book, and contributed to others. I love how I can always find the positive in a negative and how my thinking is out-of-the-box and creative.
Now, I work with amazing people just like me, and I’ve chosen to have people in my life who make me smile, rather than drain me. I recognise my triggers now, so I can support myself and no longer get angry. Crying is rare, although let’s be honest, a good cry can feel amazing sometimes.
Being an ADHD’er also means I don’t give up easily. Most areas of my life get 150% of my focus and dedication. My greatest achievements, however, are my three neurodivergent children, all with ADHD and/or autism. My ADHD journey has allowed me to build open, honest relationships with each child, which has helped them grow into amazing young adults.
If you think you may have ADHD or have been diagnosed, my advice would be:
- Listen to yourself, trust yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
- Keep a diary when you feel angry, sad, or overwhelmed.
- Create a one-page profile about what’s really important to you.
- Stay away from social media and the news.
- Try CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) strategies when you’re ready to challenge intrusive or ruminating thoughts.
- Learn about the “Spoon Theory” to understand energy management.
- Take time for yourself, and nurture your own needs – it’s not selfish, it’s necessary.
Please note that our Bromley Well Learning Difficulties pathway runs a Life Admin Course for adults with ADHD. To find out more or join the course waiting list, please freephone 0808 278 7898 or self-refer here: https://www.bromleywell.org.uk/make-a-referral/
